dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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