I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
