I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
