I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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