I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
