i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Randomize
