so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
