This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
