I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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