I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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