I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
