he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Every concussion has its silver lining
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
