My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize