apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
