I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
