I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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