guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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