I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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