You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
