Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize