I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
