The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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