I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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