I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
