I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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