there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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