Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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