I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
