i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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