my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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