last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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