The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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