Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
