there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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