I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
