it wasn't lemon gatorade
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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