last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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