he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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