I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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