No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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