I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
