my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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