The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize