at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
