i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
