still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
