well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
