Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
