I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
