Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
