Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
