I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
