I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
