Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
