no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
