If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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