she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
