My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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