I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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